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Every long term traveler has at least one hotel horror story. I’ve racked up a couple, but the one I stayed at last week in Puerto Princesa on Palawan Island takes top prize, so far.
Admittedly, my standards still veer a bit to the OCD germaphobe side but I’ve come a long way in the last 8 months. I no longer curl up in a ball and cry when I have to use a shared toilet (as long as I have Wet Ones with me).
With a rating of 80% on HostelWorld, I was expecting something well within my standards with my booking on Puerto Princesa. I had heard that the town was pretty full so I booked the place in advance to ensure I wasn’t sleeping on a park bench. As it turns out, the park bench would have been the best option.
The park bench would have been the best option
I walked in to an indifferent staff and a crowd of kids on the ground floor mocking me when I said “hello.” Eventually, someone showed up to check me in since the person at the desk appeared to have a phone call that was going to drag on longer than the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
No reservation. They had no record of me checking in that day. After insisting that I had a room booked, I filled out a check-in form. “Ah!” The desk attendant recognized the name. Still no record of a booking, but he now believed I was supposed to be there.
He ran upstairs and spent 7 minutes prepping the room, which evidently hadn’t been cleaned that day (it was 5:30pm). I can only imagine what happened in that 7 minutes because the room was still a bit of a mess. Long brown hairs on the floor, indeterminate brown stains in the shower and cobwebs and spiders in the bathroom.
A couple of other quirks were immediately apparent. First, the hotel provided a towel but it was so ridiculously worn that it would have been better used to net fish.
On to the bigger issue: there was no seat on the toilet. I should have been thankful it was a western toilet, although without a seat it was LESS useful than a squat toilet. I couldn’t even USE it as a squat toilet because it was positioned right up against the shower wall, so there was no way to straddle it. The only alternative was placing one foot forward into the shower stall and doing a kind of one cheek sneak.
The final fun of the stay was the arrival of nighttime visitors. When I got home for the night and turned on the lights, the scurrying little feet of cockroaches roused me from my tipsy state. Both hightailed it into the bathroom, which I assumed was the access point. After killing them, I settled into bed.
Unfortunately, thanks to the ingestion of San Miguel that evening I had to get up again to visit the toilet before long. Yep. Another in the room and one more in the bathroom. My shoes were subjected to more pounding that night than if I had run a 100 yard dash in my sleep. Finally, an hour later, I chased one more into the bathroom and watched it scurry into a gap between a pipe and the wall.
My shoes were subjected to more pounding that night than if I had run a 100 yard dash
Stuffing the hole with toilet paper apparently did the trick, although I kept the light in the bedroom on so that any newcomers would stay in the dark bathroom to honor the memory of the compatriots who had been ceremonially flushed.
The next day (yes, I was unable to find another room until the third day of my stay), I let the staff know about the cockroaches. After playing Pictionary to get across what the problem was, I was compensated quite fairly with a nod of the head and an “okay.”
Of course, nothing was different that next night. Except this time I had the heavy artillery. On my way home from dinner, I picked up the professional strength roach spray. Sure enough, a couple of the buggers had found their way into the room again, so I sprayed the ever-living shit out of the bathroom, stuffed the hole in the wall with poison soaked toilet paper and turned the fan in my room on high to keep the toxic stuff from leaking back into my bedroom.
I’m fairly sure I inhaled far more than a safe amount of the stuff, but it was worth it.
All this fun was had for a price that was 30% higher than the exceptional room I was able to book for the rest of my stay. Perhaps I was paying extra for double occupancy?
Sorry for the lack of pics. I didn’t even think about it until I had checked out. I usually only take pictures of pretty things.