Since the dawn of time, man has been locked in a struggle. A struggle to show the world just how big his dick is. As a result, the folks at Guinness have made a living with the words: bigger, longer and taller.
Not content to show off by dropping trou around a campfire, insecure men have historically enlisted architects to create tributes to their private parts, with an end result that is usually more impressive than the men themselves.
And so we present this little celebration of the must-see phallic symbols of the world.
A couple notes about the qualifications – first, they are structures I’ve seen in person. If I’m missing your favorite, it’s entirely possible it’s because I haven’t yet visited it – so don’t go looking for CN Tower, all you Toronto peeps. Second, there was no vote. I just make this shit up as I go.
#10: The Washington Monument
Photo credit: Creative commons via wikipedia
It’s no wonder he’s known as the father of the United States. If this is any indication, he may have personally impregnated most of the Real Housewives of the Colonies. The monument has the added bonus of being a symbol created by Washington’s posse, the secret society of Freemasons. You have to give props to a group that could influence the creation of a nation’s capital enough to build a network of streets that forms pentagrams and a monument that simultaneously honors the country’s first president and the Egyptian Sun God Ra.
#9: Burj Khalifa (formerly known as the Burj Dubai)
One thing that Dubai isn’t compensating for is a lack of money (at least pre-2008). This is the pinnacle of the many incredibly aggressive and expensive building projects in Dubai (see the World islands and Burj al Arab, amongst others).
Photo credit: Creative commons via wikipedia
At the peak of its construction, the Dubai icon was adding a new floor every 3 days.
Progress slowed once the financial crisis hit, but a timeline of 6 years for a project of this magnitude is still pretty stunning. Let’s not get into the reports of what kind of conditions it took to make all that happen, okay?
At 828 meters, it’s double the height of the Empire State building, hosting 24,438 windows and 160 floors of usable office space. By the way, that includes a swimming pool on the 76th floor. If you’d rather not jump on one of the 57 elevators (including several double deckers), it’s only 2909 steps to get to the top.
#8: Big Ben
Current wisdom would say that the Gherkin should win out in London, but I’m going traditional for this one. First off, the Gherkin is just a bit too bullet shaped. I pity the man who’s got something like that in his Underoos.
Big Ben also gets extra credit for the most brazen name and the fact that its ding-dong regularly moans with crescendos of joy.
#7: National Monument, Dam Square, Amsterdam
In a city known for its openness about sex, it’s fitting that the central monument is not only phallic, it includes testicles and a ring of naked bodies about the base. Erected in Dam Square to honor the victims of World War II, the figures on the base (four men, a woman and child and two men with dogs) represent war, peace and resistance.
I guess that’s better than saying it represents “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”
#6: 2 IFC
Photo credit: Creative commons via wikipedia
Billed as Hong Kong’s tallest building and quoted at 88 floors, the International Financial Center’s largest tower is actually a bit shy of that number due to the exclusion of the unlucky 14th and 24th floors. It’s rather fitting that the home to so many banking institutions would have its public numbers inflated.
It’s not necessarily the most unique or impressive building on the list, but with all the traders, monetary authorities and investment groups housed on the property, it warrants a spot. After all, it’s the only tower in which the biggest pricks are on the INSIDE.
Honorable mention: The town of San Gimingnano,
There’s no single building in the town that I can really call out, but I have to give credit for the sheer audacity of the medieval dick swinging contest. In its 13th century heyday, the town was home to 72 towers of varying size. I’d hate to have been the one living in the tasteful A-frame.
Next up in Part 2: The 5 best phallic structures in the world.
