As I’ve been planning and discussing my trip, many people have had questions about the details that go into a journey like this. Since I don’t want to fool anyone into thinking I have even an inkling about what I’m doing, I am instead providing these answers, which are of no help to anyone.
- What made you decide to do this?
- Eleanor Roosevelt said you should do one thing each day that scares you. I saved up to cash them all at once.
- Is this a mid-life crisis?
- The mid-life crisis was when ten years ago when I bought the Mercedes convertible and had the 23 year old girlfriend with ginormous fake breasts. This is better described as a “last ditch effort.”
- What’s your budget? About $100,000 for a year?
- $95,000 actually. Incredibly, there are some cities that still don’t have a Four Seasons.
- Are you in good enough shape?
- Hell no. But after riding 300 miles a week through the Alps for a month, I will be.
- How are you getting over the ocean?
- I wanted to use pontoons to pedal across, but I’m a shitty fisherman so food became an issue. You can only eat so many Clif Bars.
- How do you get to Southeast Asia?
- Practice.
- What are you doing when you get back?
- You assume I’ll survive the trip? Score one for me!
- Where are you storing all your stuff?
- In a van down by the river.
- Are you doing it with a group?
- Only if I’m very lucky or we get really drunk.
- Do you wear a backpack with all your stuff in it?
- Yes, and I packed a chiropractor in there to work out the kinks at the end of the day.
- Do you have the route all planned out?
- I did, but unfortunately I was holding the map upside down, so now I have to make it up as I go along.
- Aren’t you afraid of being impotent from the bike riding? Or sterile?
- If I believed impotence was a real risk of cycling, I’d have smashed my bike with a ball-peen hammer years ago. But sterility is A-OK in my book – more people should try it.
- Are you only taking the one bike? Don’t you need a lighter bike to go up mountains?
- The SAG vehicle will have my back-up ride in it. Unfortunately, towing a Saab wagon behind me will mean a shitload of pedaling.
- What are you doing about medical insurance?
- Isn’t universal health care available in the rest of the civilized world? And uncivilized? And pretty much everywhere?
My apologies to anyone who actually wanted to know answers to any of those questions, but I’m too excited to be serious right now!
12 days and counting!!
