Anyone spending a significant amount of time in Paris is going to have to brave a supermarket. You can only eat so many ham & cheese crepes in ten days. In case you’re curious, that number is 7.

Supermarkets in France, and especially Paris, are not the same as those you may be used to, so I figured I’d give you a little background.

History

Most shopping in France is done at the corner market, so large supermarkets are few and far between. That is changing as chains like Carrefour attempt the domination of France in a manner similar to Wal-Mart in the United States. Fortunately for the corner market owners, though, French people aren’t driven by price at the expense of their souls.

But large grocery stores DO exist. Mostly for use by tourists, of course, because the average French person knows better than to try to make their way through a supermarket in Paris.

The Stuff You’ll Find

Your selection will be limited to bread, cookies, fruits & vegetables, lawn chairs, chocolate, yogurt, chocolate yogurt, cheese, wine and milk. Oh yes, the milk. Let me jump right into an explanation of milk in France for you.

You can find milk in the “milk aisle” because there are 430 varieties of milk, and they’re all unrefrigerated. Oh, they’ll try to fool you by also having cold milk in the “yogurt” aisle, but don’t fall for it. You are going to get used to buying warm milk because if you buy cold milk, the clock’s a-tickin. In precisely 38 hours, it will be  pouring out of the jug like cottage cheese. Give in, suck it up and drink the warm stuff.

Operating Hours

Most Parisian grocery stores are open from 10:00 AM until 5:00 PM, so that you cannot do any shopping after work. This is ideal, as it completely eliminates any possibility of a husband being asked to “stop and pick up some bread on your way home from the office.” Yet another example of Parisian genius. Stores are also generally closed from noon to 2 so that the entire staff can go off and have a smoke break. So, grocery shopping is left to those without jobs – like housewives, students and blog writers.

If you really must find a store with longer operating hours, check out Huit a 8, which is open from about 9 to 7.

And if you’re interested in eating on a Sunday, practice your dumpster diving skills, as no stores are open on Sundays. Oh, they might have hours posted that SAY that they’re open, but what that sign doesn’t include are the disclaimers – *except during times when some of staff is sick, on vacation or on holidays, throughout summer and any days there are strikes going on.

How the Check-out Works

Once you’ve selected your food, you are ready to brave the “caisse” or cash register. This is by far the most complex aspect of shopping in a Parisian supermarket.

Regardless of the time of day, there will be a line. It will be long. Anyone who thinks that Parisians aren’t friendly has never stood in a long check-out line, because at the register, the cashier is a best friend to EVERY person in line. They talk about the weather, their cats, the test score their son got in 2006, whatever comes to mind.

Here’s what you do:

Wait.

For the love of God, don’t whisper to yourself that you wish someone would open another line. That is such a rookie mistake!

Geez, now look what you’ve done.

When people talk about France being Socialist, I think they’re actually talking about their proclivity to socialize at whatever time is most inconvenient to those around them, like when they’re standing in front of the Metro exit turnstile.

Here’s where you went wrong: Once a new cashier approaches the registers, the greetings begin. It’s nearly identical to a wedding reception line. Each cashier must greet, kiss and chat up the new cashier, welcoming and congratulating her on joining them before she takes her place at the counter.

Buying the Groceries

As the line winds down and you near the conveyor, you must wait until there is a bar separator between the groceries in front of you and your own. It does not matter if you have 4 feet of open space, Parisians take tremendous offense if you set down groceries prior to the separator being in place. This is because they can see that you’ve mysteriously purchased cold milk and they don’t want to risk taking that home with them.

One other interesting aspect of shopping in Paris is that customers bag their own groceries, traditionally in a sack that says “Property of IKEA.” This isn’t unusual, in and of itself, however the trick here is that you are not to pay or make any attempt to prepare to pay until you have completely bagged your groceries. After all, until they’re bagged, you don’t own them so making a move to give the cashier money PRIOR to that is idiocy.

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Et voila! Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of Prince Cookies, a nectarine and a 4 foot long loaf of bread.

Hmmm… I wonder if I can eat an eighth ham and cheese crepe?

With apologies to Josh Clark and Chuck Bryant at Stuff You Should Know (Twitter: @SYSKpodcast). If you don’t listen to their podcasts, I highly suggest you do. Informative AND entertaining.