Posts Tagged ‘China’

Do Do That Chengdu That You Do So Well

February 9th, 2011

One of the most common questions I get from people is “what’s your favorite place that you’ve visited?”

A challenging question, for sure. While Paris is still at the top of my list, and probably always will be, some of the best experiences I’ve had have been in places I never intended to visit.

The prime example of that is Chengdu, China. I had a passing knowledge of the city because of some discussions about the city while at my last job, but that was pretty much limited to “they have pandas there.”

With a whole month to explore China, I added it to my list.

The main attraction in Chengdu for most people is the Panda Breeding Center. True to form, though, I won’t elaborate on that since so many others have written volumes about it.IMGP2931-1

I loved Chengdu for the energy the city had. My pre-visit perception was that it was a small, very traditional Chinese city. It was anything but. With a population of 6 million, it may be small relative to other places in China, but it was far from traditional.

The contrasts between old and new were a big part of the appeal. Few people spoke English, yet the city has a very modern and very Western feel to it with all the shopping districts, restaurants, fashion and music.

In Chengdu, white people are in shorter supply than baby pandas. Most tourists visit the city for a stop at the panda center and then they hop back on the tour bus. The tiny expat population of 10,000 is comprised largely of other Asian nationals, so the Euro-centric gang is only a couple of thousand people strong. During a six hour walk through the city center and massive shopping complexes I did not see a single Westerner, yet I never felt uncomfortable or out of place.

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A few of my favorite things in Chengdu:

Sichuan opera: One of the traditions that IS common here is the nightly performance of Sichuan opera. While it’s mostly for the tourists, those tourists are from elsewhere in China, so it’s all in their native tongue. Fortunately, it’s very visual so English speakers can still enjoy it. It’s more variety show than opera, with fire eaters, ribbon dancing, puppet performances and the highlight: face-changing. Face-changing is an ancient (and very secret) magical technique involving brightly colored masks that instantly transform in color and expression – not only once, but a dozen times in the span of an 8 minute performance. It’s an impressive display when done well.

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Sichuan food: Spicy is the style here and they do it up well. I’m no foodie by any stretch of the imagination, but I did enjoy the dishes, especially the spicy green beans – peppers, garlic and green beans in a blend that can bring tears to your eyes.

Women: Like the food, Chengdu women have a reputation for being spicy. Their personalities are  far more brash and outgoing than in other parts of the country and their style of dress reflects that. While I was there, the typical outfit for a young woman consisted of thigh high boots, patterned nylons and a short skirt, short shorts or a sweater that extends just low enough to be considered a skirt. This is not conservative Beijing.

Nightlife: Chengdu is renowned in China for its nightlife, with dozens of clubs and bars around town in several night time entertainment districts. Our fantastic hostel staff invited us to join them at a  nightclub party on Halloween. Every club was decked out with ghosts, ghouls and macabre decor, along with face painters helping to dress up those who didn’t have a costume. Halloween may be a new tradition in this part of the world, but they’ve latched onto it as a great theme for a party.

Shopping and cultural districts: Some areas of the town have been renovated to incorporate traditional buildings with modern shopping and facilities, similar to Xin Tian Di in Shanghai. The best of those is Jinli – gift shops, restaurants, crafts and history all rolled into one.

Anyone who has the opportunity should spend a couple of days here. Chengdu is a wonderful place to visit, and despite the language barriers, the people are very friendly and outgoing. While walking is still the best way to absorb the local flavor, a newly opened subway makes seeing the city even easier.

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Brain Drops XIX: China Wrap-up

November 15th, 2010

While I’m traveling, lots of random thoughts pop into my head. Each week I like to share a few of them. Please don’t judge me, I know I’m a bit crazy.

This week – even more random as I clear out the drips and drabs left over from China.

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The Chinese government could cut millions of dollars from their budget each year if they stopped painting lane stripes on their roads. No one pays attention to them, so why bother?

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Well, there go two avenues of trying to jump start my sex life.P1000107

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I saw a car on the street that Chevrolet named the Spark. Is it allowed to get close enough to a pump to fill its tank?

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I’m astounded that people here wear face masks to avoid spreading germs, but they are constantly horking up a big piece of phlegm to spit on the sidewalk. Or inside the train station. Or on my shoe.

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Motorbikes in the colder parts of China have hand muffs attached. How in the Hell do you flip someone off with these things on?P1020975

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Someday I want to do a pictorial essay about bikinis and call it Paradise Flossed.

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If this sign had been in place on the Great Wall 3000 years ago, maybe they wouldn’t have had so many fights about it.

Mongolian soldier: “General, should we attack the wall?”

Mongolian general: “Idiot!! Don’t you see that sign?”

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Bad business ideas:

  • Titling your Broadway Musical “Closed for Renovation”
  • Titling your magazine “Complimentary”
  • Opening a mall kiosk in China to sell hair straighteners

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As in many countries, the China Postal Service also operates as a bank. Can you imagine how horrible it would be if the US Postal Service also operated a bank? Long lines, poor service, you have no idea where your money goes and you’re afraid they might lose it. Holy shit, they DO operate the banks!

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Something I’d never seen before – a fashion show to sell bedding. They came out to model pillows, women were dressed in comforters and sheets.Would it qualify if you bought some bedding and claimed you slept with a runway model?

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I was in the Kunming airport and a group of Chinese security officers walked toward me. I was wondering – “fuck, what did I do wrong?”

They wanted to take my picture with a security guard helping me with a non-existent question. I guess I fit the role of “clueless tourist” perfectly. I’m gonna be famous in China, but the caption will probably be something like “our highly trained staff is very happy to help even the most idiotic traveler.”

A Visit to the Kunming De-Flower Market

November 9th, 2010

There are countless specialized markets in Kunming. You’ve got the bird market, the pet market, a flower market and I’m sure there’s a market dedicated entirely to binder clips of all shapes and sizes. During a walk through the city, I fell in love with the wonderfully quirky cultural tradition that I call the De-Flower Market.

Instead of Match.com, Great Expectations or Chuck Woolery, every weekend in Kunming (and other cities in China), the kids let their parents do the work.

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Based in the very lovely Green Park, there is a section dedicated to parental matchmaking. Not content to leave their children’s coupling up to chance or peach schnapps, hundreds of people browse prospective spouses to connect their sons and daughters. Often without the knowledge of the kid involved.

Your first encounter in the park is with people hawking photography services. If you’re trying to marry off the 30 year old daughter who’s still living at home, a good head shot is essential. Evidently, the ones that Photoshop her and her missing teeth into a scene of blossoming peach trees is the win of all wins.

Once you pass the commercial side of things, you get into the meat. For several blocks, hundreds of sheets of personal information are hung from clotheslines, revealing far more than a row of drying panties would. Each lists 20 people – organized by gender, age, profession, height and lots of information in Chinese that I couldn’t quite translate. I’m not 100% certain but there was a number on some of the profiles that I believe indicated a dowry.

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If you find some that are interesting (i.e. a good job), you can pay the matchmaking vendor to get a copy of a sheet complete with phone numbers.

Further along the path are parents taking a more direct route. Rather than working through a vendor, they post their offspring’s exceptional marital qualifications on tear sheets with the phone numbers immediately accessible.

Once again, the Chinese show off an underdeveloped sense of irony by posting these profiles on barbed wire.IMGP3017

In many cases, the parents are there to discuss the merits of their kids, show photos and do their sales pitch.

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Based on the conversations going on, this weekly experience is not only matchmaking. It’s a social opportunity for locals to stroll around the park and participate in a little parental voyeurism and commiseration. In a country with such a vast population, it’s comforting to know there are so many other people who aren’t able to get their kids to stop playing Farmville long enough to find a wife.

For more, you can also read thoughts at SpunkyGirlMonologues, who was my partner in crime in Kunming and I owe for finding this in the first place.

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Brain Drops XVIII: Chengdu

November 7th, 2010

While I’m traveling, lots of random thoughts pop into my head. Each week I like to share a few of them. Please don’t judge me, I know I’m a bit crazy.

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It’s rather ironic that the national symbol for a country of 1.3 billion people is an animal that is nearly extinct due to an inability to breed properly.

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We were watching the baby pandas being cared for in the nursery and a woman behind me referred to the panda’s nurse, saying “oh, that’s the best job in the whole world!” Yes, her hard-earned veterinary degree is serving her well as she sits there wiping sticky poo off of panda fur.

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Panda cubs are all born with timing considered premature birth. At delivery, they weigh 1/1000th what their mother weighs. That’s like a human baby being born and weighing 2.4 OUNCES. If this were 1999, I’d insert a Calista Flockhart joke here.

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Sidewalk hawkers practically dragged me into a Chengdu bar. I walked in and the lounge singer broke into a bad rendition of “Never Gonna Give You Up.” Yes, I got “lick lolled” in China – which wasn’t as fun as it sounds like it should be.

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Okay, I get that people eat rabbit in China, but the Playboy bunny on a restaurant marquee? Does the entree come with a staple in the middle?

I went in, sat at a table then told them I wasn’t hungry, I was only there for the articles.P1030015

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Evidently, Viagra is sold over the counter in China. Fortunately, I don’t have any need for Viagra. Sadly, I also don’t have any need for Viagra.

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Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you, never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you. See how that feels??

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I’ve started email correspondence with a couple people I’ve met in China. Their knowledge of English vocabulary is strong but since punctuation isn’t really a part of the Chinese language, they have no clue how to use it. They tend to just randomly throw commas into their sentences every few words. It’s like reading a tweet from Sarah Palin, except for the whole “strong vocabulary” part. And the “not being an insane, self-serving imbecile” part.

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For Western travelers looking to make traveling money in China, you don’t need any special talents to busk for donations. Just bleach your hair blonde and set yourself up as a photo op in a plaza in any Chinese city. Before long, you’ll be raking in far more cash than the guy dressed as the Asian Michael Jackson does.

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Hot Gag on a Stick

November 2nd, 2010

There are a couple of spots in Beijing that specialize in food on a stick. Sure, they have chicken and beef, but those are the ones that are least interesting (aka “edible”). Here are a few things you can also buy on a stick at the Dong Hua Men night market:

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Octopus: we’ll start out easy. Lots of people eat octopus and I admit, I’ve even tried it (covered in vinegar and after a long night on the town).

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Crickets: No good pictures, but I’m told if you don’t want them on a stick, you can buy fried crickets in a snack bag like popcorn.

Scorpions: Two flavors – big and little. The challenge with the little scorpions is that when you see them on the stick, they’re still alive and squirming. While that would certainly stop once they’re on the open flame, it’s still not easy to look at. Also some silkworms – maybe eating these is how magicians pull an endless chain of scarves out of their mouths?

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The little scorpions, with some seahorses and starfish thrown in if you prefer seafood.P1020978

Snakes: No pictures, but there were two ways to present the snake. First was by straightening the snake out and just pushing the stick all the way down the gullet. The second was my favorite, though. The snake was twirled around the stick like the AMA symbol.

 

Tarantula: I get creeped out just knowing I’m in the same country with these things.

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Sharks: This one’s my favorite because it’s not shark MEAT on a stick, it’s a shark. A whole shark that’s been impaled. Unless it’s made of the same stuff a gummy bear is, I’m not going there. (with some sea anemone)

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Brain Drops XVII: Xi’an

October 31st, 2010

While I’m traveling, lots of random thoughts pop into my head. Each week I like to share a few of them. Please don’t judge me, I know I’m a bit crazy.

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If I owned a restaurant in Xi’an, I would invent a dessert called Panna Cotta Warriors.

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I went to a feng shui presentation that reminded me of sitting through a timeshare pitch. We rubbed the statue of a “dragon-horse-fish” for luck, success and skill in holding on to our money. It worked, because when they pushed us to buy jade jewelry, I was lucky enough to successfully hold on to every dollar I had.

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Of all the fucking things, I was actually made a little homesick last night when I saw a Justin Bieber video filmed at Universal Studios (aka the place I worked every day for 18 years). Fortunately, China has strict gun control laws so I had no ability to shoot myself in the head. Thanks China!

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Cities in China are like an ugly woman at a nightclub – they’re a lot prettier when it’s dark.IMGP2743

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When I’m trying to communicate to someone who doesn’t speak much English, I end up pantomiming like I’m an American Indian telling stories about my ancestors.

  • “I hope it’s sunny tomorrow.” *Make big circular gesture with arms and look to the sky*
  • “I’m looking forward to seeing the Terra Cotta Warriors.” *Mimic soldier lunging forward with spear*

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Finally, a childhood mystery solved. The “中“ symbol means “China” in Mandarin. Now if only I could understand why the Chinese gave Ralph a super-powered costume.The-Greatest-American-Hero

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The United States is like Kevin Costner. Did some great work and had some tremendous success early on in its career. Then, things got messed up when it thought it could do no wrong and no one stopped to say “Don’t do that.” I have to admit, though, I’d rather visit Iraq than watch The Postman.

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I’m in a mall in China and have no idea what to eat for dinner. #FML.

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Revisionist history always fascinates me. The tour guide keeps talking about the wars that were launched to “unify” China. Here’s an English lesson: “conquer” and “unify” are only synonyms if you are the one who wins.

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After conquering China (sorry, “unifying”) Emperor Xin started new public works programs to build the Great Wall and his 56 square kilometer tomb, with thousands of the Terra Cotta warriors. So, basically, he came up with a brilliant strategy to keep 2,000,000 people too busy and tired to mount any kind of rebellion.

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A man who only likes women with large breasts should be called a cleavegetarian.

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All In All, It’s Just Another Trip to The Wall

October 26th, 2010

I’m fascinated by the idea of the Great Wall of China. The sheer expanse of the thing is just amazing. A few facts that I like:

  • Parts of the wall date back as far as the 5th century B.C. although they’ve been re-built and restored several times since then.
  • In total, the length of the wall (with all its branches) is over 6200 km. That’s double the length of the U.S./Mexico border. Perhaps the Mongolians weren’t trying to invade China, they just wanted to sell fruit on the side of the road.
  • It’s an urban myth that the Great Wall can be seen from the moon (perpetuated by Ripley’s Believe or Not in the 1930s before anyone had BEEN to the moon) . It may be long, but with the distance involved, it would be the equivalent of looking at a human hair from 2 miles away.

My visit

The reality of the Great Wall eluded me, unfortunately, due to poor weather and visibility that didn’t extend more than 10 feet in any direction. Every vantage point and every photo just looks like … a wall.

One of the other things I was looking forward to was riding a toboggan down from the top of the Great Wall to the bottom of the hill. What better way to top off a visit to a site that has held historic and cultural significance for over 2000 years than to ride a rickety dolly down a giant aluminum slide? Sadly, rain forced its closure for the day.

If you’re headed there

Unless you’re interested in the toboggan ride, I would recommend finding a different section of the Great Wall than the Mutianyu area – the place was crawling with tour groups and schoolkids. Even if the weather had been nicer, a good photo of the structure would have been hard to come by.

There are definitely less trafficked areas to visit, also near Beijing. A strong recommendation (on a clear day) is the Jinshanling section – but bring your hiking shoes, it’s a lot of up and down climbing.

Mutianyu is the easiest to get to from Beijing, though, so if you do head there, avoid the primary tourist route which takes the cable car to watchtower #14 with a walk to watchtower #6. I would suggest the chairlift up to watchtower #6 and then walk to watchtower #1 and back – it’s a more difficult hike with lots of steep climbs, so it’s far more secluded than the other sections.

A couple of photos to share, for what they’re worth:

Part of the toboggan run

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Sadly, this was the clearest photo I was able to get all day.P1000240

But I got a shot of me with the plaque, which I heard, when I die, will bring me total consciousness. So I’ve got that going for me. Which is nice.P1000220

My first view when I got off the tour bus. Thousands of miles of history and they use it to sell $5 Foot Longs. I ordered The Great Meatball of China.P1000206

Brain Drops XVI: Beijing Edition

October 24th, 2010

While I’m traveling, I have a lot of random thoughts. Each week, I like to share some of them. Please don’t judge me, I know I’m crazy. Includes some leftovers from Shanghai.

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Everyone in Beijing honks their horn non-stop. How do they know when a wedding party is driving by?

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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Hooters in Asia just does not deliver on the brand promise.

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I do agree that Hooters makes me happys, though.P1000097[4]

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There’s a shop in the Jade Temple called “Taste Buddha’s Tea.” Sorry, but in my head, that name just sounds nasty, like it’s made from his soiled robes.

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Random restaurant chain of the week, in Beijing. Know when to walk away and know when to run.

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I searched and searched Dagoba for its most famous resident, but Yoda was nowhere to be found.

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It took 10 days in China before the song Everybody Wang Chung Tonight got stuck in my brain. It will probably take twice that long to dislodge it.

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Thousands of people entering the Forbidden City. I don’t think that word means what they think it means.

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I need a new pair of sneakers but prices at the Beijing Nike store were still a bit high, so I figured I would buy direct from the factory. I followed a group of pre-school kids for an hour this morning, but it must have been their day off.

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They changed the store name to “Shopping For Kids” because “Cadmium Hut” just wasn’t as popular with the youngsters as it used to be.P1000081

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I’m heading to visit Ming’s tomb. The only Mings I know are Yao Ming and Ming the Merciless. Since Yao’s still alive, I’m assuming it’s the latter. I hope there’s a live Flash Gordon Stunt Show there.

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This is jumping ahead a bit, but I’m wondering if there’s a tranny bar in Bangkok called “Island of Misfit Boys.”

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They should have just been more honest and named it The Great Staircase instead of the Great Wall.

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Many of the Chinese people seem to be a bit reticent around me. At first, I assumed it was just because I was a foreigner but it goes deeper than that. Based on my conversation with a woman here, they apparently believe that Americans are armed at all times.

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Brain Drops XV: Hong Kong

October 17th, 2010

While I’m traveling, I have a lot of random thoughts. Each week, I like to share some of them. Please don’t judge me. Includes some thoughts on Shanghai, as well.

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The Wan Chai area of Hong Kong has two primary features. Strip clubs and more Circle K’s per block than I’ve ever seen (seriously there are 12 of them in a one mile stretch). I wanted to get a pic of both of them together so I could caption it: “Strange thongs are afoot at the Circle K.”

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My top secret for adjusting to squat toilets: a diet of cheese, saltines and no more than 6 ounces of water a day.

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Couldn’t decide on the best caption for this one:

  • This is the buddha they all pray to when they need to get the jar of peanut butter off the top shelf at the store.
  • Who knew the Fantastic Four was just a rip-off of Buddha?
  • “Go, go, Buddha arms!”

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Apparently KFC outnumbers McDonald’s in Asia. Seemed odd at first, but if you look at the silhouette of the Colonel, he could actually pass for Asian. Whereas Ronald McDonald is creepy in any country.

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One of my hostel roommates is a gay black guy from Chicago who’s teaching in Shanghai. He told me on Friday he was heading to his knitting group (I swear I am not making that up). Now it’s taking every fiber of my being to stop myself from saying “Yo! What up, my knitter?” when I see him.

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I had a unique opportunity to get a picture of a bull and a China cop. I know, I know. That was awful.

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Regardless of what the US government decides, I’ve adopted a policy of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” when I try new food in China.

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Kind of missing the point. Now, coming to Minnesota: Chinese Restaurant featuring the best in Louisiana cajun cooking!P1020932

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Why would Rolex sponsor a tennis tournament in Shanghai, which produces 99.9% of the fake watches in the world? That’s like buying embroidered bowling shirts to give to the guys who robbed your house.

Confessions of a Cultural Idiot Part 1: Eat

March 2nd, 2010

I am the anti-Bourdain. When I watch him, I see someone who turned Fear Factor into a full time career.

Where's the expiration date printed?

I confess. Foreign food terrifies me. So much of it is slimy and chewy and squishy.

Seriously, have you SEEN a 100 year old egg? It’s an unnatural translucent green that you suspect incubates something that would stalk Sigourney Weaver. If I had eaten it, there would have been a translucent green coating on everything within 30 feet.

The most lavish feast I’ve ever seen was when I attended a traditional Chinese wedding (it was in Chinatown in Los Angeles, but that’s besides the point). All the main courses came out with heads still attached, so I had to survive entirely on fried rice and a slice of the marital cake. » Read more: Confessions of a Cultural Idiot Part 1: Eat